Stressed out...

Yes, it looks like I could do with less worries in my life…

I am writing this in the hope to put my worries on "paper" and make them look less scary, distant, approachable and solvable.
So, where to begin?

One big problem seems to be the lack of time to do everything, or shall I say that all the things that we have to do seem an enormous amount, compared to the actual time we have. Of course, teaching full time is not really helpful, especially when I am a lot better and more experienced in lower levels, and have to teach upper-int and advanced, instead. To make things better, this week I am also on half cover, so instead of recycling stuff from my morning class with my advanced student, and mixing it with general chats and a round of Scrabble, both yesterday and today I had to cover for another upper-int class of catatonic Czech students, who make me want to scream.
If this wasn’t all, it seems that tomorrow I am actually covering for an advanced class? How come, haven’t I got my own to think of? So probably the boss got mixed up, and it would be interesting to go and find out, except that he doesn’t like to see me too often, so I am never comfortable going to the office looking for help…I’m sorry, but it’s not my fault if YOU are the boss therefore YOU are responsible for the timetable and the rest, therefore YOU have the answers! Anyway, seen as I have to bother him about my situation for the year to come, I’d rather risk it and have a surprise tomorrow morning, than bothering him again. So not good, though.

Which leads me to my feelings about my work place at the moment: apart from the general gossip going about, all these women whispering every minute of their day, and even outside work (my landlady, also core staff at the school, seems to enjoy sharing gossip or whatever, whenever she sees me, and doesn’t mind repeating herself, just in case I have forgotten), well apart from that, and from a shared feeling of “we don’t like the boss”, I sense a core vs. temporary staff contrast. They seem to want to make it clear that no, we temporary staff cannot expect to stay here for much longer, unless we are their friends, like nervous inexperienced teacher who finished last week (and all her fault too: when ex-boss said that he would find her stuff to do till the end of the year, she just said “good, thank you”, and walked back to her desk, whereas I cunningly asked for a contract, got one, and therefore am now on the teaching list until the end of the year, with or without students to teach). So, there is going to be a meeting on Thursday, and it does make me laugh that I witnessed the first draft of the notice being made, and it said: “CORE STAFF MEETING”. Said head title was then changed to a general “staff meeting” invitation, but I can’t help feeling that people like Chris, me, or if he was still here, Pawel, wouldn’t really have much to say, and even if we did, our words would probably be drowned or ignored. So, to be honest, I’m going to the gym right after class, on Thursday, and then back to college for another Delta session. I think these are the most important things.

And this leads me to the study problem, which is really stressing me out, and it is the main reason why I stick to this obsessive gym-routine, as I tend to internalise stress, and it’s so not good. As I said, I don’t have enough time for everything, and I am fighting to find it and keep it: I believe I need some me-time, right?
The problem is, I leave the house at 7.40 every single morning; I get to school by 8.20, prepare my lesson at my best (given the horrible course book I have to use, given the even more horrible students I have, and whatnot), and spend the whole day teaching and planning and preparing, and trying to find something to do with my classes, and all that. It is a shared feeling with my Delta colleagues, that we are focusing so much on the learning and preparing for the diploma, that it seems that the standard of our lessons is actually going down, and I seem to be walking out of my classes thinking “what a crap lesson that was!” a lot more often than I would like. Well, at least I’m not alone. I have my diploma classes twice a week, and there we are inundated with materials, ideas, assignments, “homework”, books to read, websites to consult, and stuff to think about, god knows when, since on such days I get home at 9.40 when I’m lucky, having spent exactly 14 hours away, and almost collapsing on my bed… I dedicate 3 to 4 times a week to the gym, mostly to keep fit, and sane, and work out all the stress that I am accumulating, and also because I am paying 34£ a month for it, and I’d like to make it worth it. Plus, I like that gym.

Of course, part of my worries are also money-related, as always.
Some worries are private, although a lot less complicated than they used to be, so honestly they are not that important right now, but still, I spend some time thinking about a couple of things that I’d like to fix, and which I thought were over and done with, but apparently they are… only for me. It seems that the other part involved in this, and who actually took all the decisions in the story, is not over with it yet, which I find almost amusing, if it wasn’t also quite irritating at times, all considered. But this is another story…

Finally, to make me feel better, here is a list of things to do for the next few days, to try and sort things out:

- print background assignment with comments, work on comments, resubmit. It seems that next week and the one following I’ll be on cover in the morning, so, with a little luck, working on it at the weekend and next week, I may be able to hand it in before the last week of the course. By the way, on Thursday I must get the books back and write down page numbers, which I had written on my handwritten notes, and then as soon as I copied them down, I just didn’t take them too. Why? God knows…
- plan experimental practice and teach it. This is planned to be on Thursday, so I can prepare the students on some grammar aspects, have a closer look at how I should teach the lesson, possible organise a peer observation for the day to get the necessary feedback, and then cunningly write the assignment retrospectively and complete it over the weekend, or again next week.
- Talk to boss on Thursday; he said he’d have some time for me at some point, later in the week, I believe Thursday should be a decent day? Just before the gym, so I can then go and forget my misfortunes with a really hard work-out…
- Go the gym on Thursday and Friday, in preparation for a really long studying weekend: it was supposed to be a fun weekend with a friend coming over to visit, but the way things are going, I’ll probably spend it researching, writing, editing, revising, studying…

…well, there would be a lot more to say, but I guess I’ll stop here. I expected to spend a long night studying, but by the way things have evolved I think I will go to sleep now…It’s such a shame, really, because a colleague from the Delta wanted to go for a drink tonight after class, to celebrate my birthday, and I was so looking forward to that, and instead…
Then again, as I said, social life is nothing I can have right now…